Previously on rescue me...
let me get this straight.
I'm bangin' my science
Teacher.
Mrs. Turbody?
Do you want to ask me
Something?
Quite frankly, missy, I'm
Pretty disgusted.
I'll only discuss this off
School grounds over drinks.
You're tellin' me that I
Have to put my wife of 31 years
Into a home?
Good-Bye, jerry.
Hey, daddy.
She never even had the
Decency to come to her own
Mother's funeral!
She's changed.
Now come on over here.
Hey, probie, you know
Anything about this chick
Garrity's been seein'?
Nah. He's been pretty
Tight-Lipped about her. I know
She's older, though.
So, uh, have you given any
More thought to, you know, when
We might, uh...
tell Tommy?
Yeah.
No.
You can't keep your eye
On your own son while he rides
His bike down the goddamn block.
You came to me and asked to
Be taken back in. There's blood
On my hands, there's blood on
Your hands, too.
You know the only good thing
To come out of this is that now
I don't have to watch Connor
Grow up and turn out exactly
Like you.
I don't belong to f-Bomb
Anymore. I don't belong to
Anyone.
He took the money?
Yes, sir.
How long did you know her?
Uh, a little over a month.
Said she could buy her way out
If she had enough money to give
To her pimp. I gave her $18,000.
Did she give you a name?
She told me her name was
Candy.
So Janet's not gonna go
The lawyer route, so you don't
Have to waste any more of your
Money.
Uh-Huh.
She wants you to cover
All of her expenses and the
Costs for the girls.
Is she seein' someone?
Is everybody coming to the
Party?
Yeah, I'm just waitin' to
Hear from a few people. Some
People I hope I never hear from.
It's my party. I want the
Whole goddamn family there,
Including Janet.
I know, but it is gonna ruin
It for Tommy. It's gonna be a
Total disaster. I can see it.
Are you kiddin'? We're gonna
Have chink food and birthday
Cake. You can't have a disaster
With that combination. If they
Had had chink food and birthday
Cake at normandy, world war ii,
Over.
Does Tommy talk about me?
Oh, for Christ sake. Get me a
Cup of tea.
'Cause this whole comin' over
Here and lookin' after you
Thing, I mean, is it really
About comin' over here and
Lookin' after you, or is it some
Kind of, you know... thing.
Now, look, I pissed the bed 3
Times in the last 15 days. I
Can't drive anymore, and I can
Barely walk. Believe me, the
Last goddamn thing this is is a
Goddamn thing.
What thing?
Oh, this thing. Look.
What is it?
It's a travel mug, so you can
Drink your coffee on the way to
Work. It's nice, right?
Oh, yeah, it's gorgeous. You
Know, they should put a little
Screen in the side so you can
Watch gay porn in between sips.
It's nice!
It's gay.
It's got a no-Spill feature.
A lot of these mugs, they say
That they have it, and it's
Total bullshit because this has
A absolute no-Spill feature.
I read about it in gq.
Really? Who wrote the
Article, brian boitano?
Listen, speaking of brian
Boitano, Janet's coming to the
Party.
So?
Just so you know.
I don't care. It's a family
Event. She should be there. I
Got no problem with that. Unless
She brings her new boyfriend, in
Which case, I'm gonna stick this
Brokeback coffee travel thing
Right up his goddamn ass.
You know she's got a guy?
She didn't waste much
Time, did she? And people call
Me a whore.
Well, they do.
I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait, take your
Mug.
No.
Take it. Take it.
I don't want it.
Why not?
I quit smokin'. If I have
Coffee in the car, I'm gonna
Want a smoke, so...
oh, bullshit, you quit
Smoking!
We all quit smokin' down at
The house, OK? Everybody put 50
Bucks into, you know, the pool,
And last man standing gets to
Take the whole kitty.
Oh, oh, the mug's
Too gay, but the word "kitty,"
Even without there bein' a cat
Around? Apparently not!
Wow, 6 guys. You know, if
Only 3 of them screw up, that's
A nice chunk of change.
Yep.
What are you gonna do if you
Win?
Buy some cigarettes.
Wait, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Listen, I was gonna come back
This afternoon and check up on
Pops, but I can't 'cause now I
Have a parent-Teacher meeting at
Damian's school.
About what?
I don't know... bad grades, bad
Attitude. He ever mention a
Teacher to you, a Ms. Turbody?
Tss... no. Nope.
'Cause that's who I'm
Meeting. She must be pretty
Special 'cause Damian just loves
Her.
Really?
Yeah.
What?
You've seen her.
Seen who? What are you
Talkin' about?
Oh, God, I know! I know, not
Only do you know who she is, but
You've actually seen her, and
You obviously think she's hot!
Come to...
I know all your grunts and
Your tics and your tells.
Really?
Yeah, inside and out,
Especially the tell that
Involves the "uh-Huh" with your
Tongue lickin' at your lower
Lip. It means you are lying at
Your basest level.
I gotta go.
I can read you like a
Dog-Eared goddamn book.
OK, I was dropping him off
For the sex talk thing, and he
Pointed her out.
Don't forget to give dad his
Enema.
Wait. What?
Gotcha.
Nnh!
* on another day,
Come on, come on,
With these ropes I tied,
Can we do no wrong?
Now we grieve
'Cause now is gone,
Things were good
When we were young,
With my teeth locked down
I can see the blood
Of a thousand men
Who have come and gone,
Now we grieve
'Cause now is gone,
Things were good
When we were young,
Is it safe to say?
Come on, come on,
Was it right to leave?
Come on, come on,
Will I ever learn?
Come on, come on,
Come on, come on *
[Captioning made possible by
Sony pictures television]
Hey, day tour starts at
9 A.M., lieutenant.
Oh, really? I didn't know.
Tommy here yet?
Yeah, he just got here a
Couple of minutes ago. Can I
Talk to ya?
About that smokin' thing?
What?
Never mind.
I have a situation. Uh, that
Place where I have jeannie?
The place in connecticut.
Yeah. They just raised the
Monthly rent another 250 bucks.
Jeez.
I mean, it's not that I don't
Have it, but I just, uh, figured
If I did get in a pinch, maybe I
Could come to you.
I don't know, jer.
Tommy's dealin' with his
Wife, and his finances are a
Mess, and the young guys, I
Mean, those Julio fongulios are
Livin' paycheck to paycheck.
Right.
I mean, it's not like you're
Hurtin' for money, right? I
Mean, you just sold the house.
You must be sittin' pretty.
Yeah, well, you know, I had
To give half to the ex-Wife,
Plus I had a second mortgage to
Pay off. I mean, I'm sittin',
But it ain't pretty, believe me.
Well, this'd only be a couple
Of hundred bucks, and that's if
I even need it.
Did you ever think about
Maybe, you know, movin' her
Someplace. I mean, someplace
Cheaper? It's not like she's
Gonna know.
Jesus, Lou.
I'm sorry, jer. I'm...
but, look, just... if I need a
Couple of hundred bucks, I mean,
Can I come to you?
Sure.
You sure?
Yeah. Sure, it's fine.
Thanks, kenny.
So anyways, he spits the
Cigar out like I didn't even see
Him, you know? Right in front of
Me.
Yep. Second offense, that's
100 bucks in the kitty. Thank
You, lieutenant kenny shea.
Do you mind if we, uh, call
The kitty the can from now on?
Why?
Ah, it's just an idea.
What's, uh... what's going on
With that?
Oh, nothing. I'm, uh,
Thinking about taking the
Lieutenant's exam.
Really?
Yeah. You know, uh, the test
In a few months.
Well, if you're looking for
Less fires and more paperwork, I
Guess that's a good idea.
I don't know, Tom, you
Know, I'm just, um, thinking
About, you know, wanna better
Myself, my position.
Uh-Huh.
Well, I don't know. Life's
All about moving up, right?
You know, frankie, uh, when I
Started out, first firehouse I
Was in, it was me and 4 fat
Guys, and I think sometimes we
Forget what a good crew we have
Here, you know? I mean you take
That test and you just get
Assigned. You could end up with
A midget and... and 4 idiots, but
You're in charge. Is that what
You want?
I got a kid at home, Tom, OK?
A puerto rican kid. You know,
Her mom was a spic. I'm a spic,
And she's gonna end up stuck in
New York city public schools
For, like, the next goddamn
Decade unless I do something
About it. I mean, personally,
I'd like to see her in the best
Private schools in the city with
Wealthy white kids, schools
Where they don't, you know, stab
Or kill each other. Where they
Just do really good drugs, get
Incredible grades,
And go to great white colleges,
Do even better drugs, and then
Graduate with well-Connected
White friends who can help them
Get hired into the upper
Echelons of white American
Society. Now those schools, they
Top out at what, like, 15 grand
A year now? And ultimately in
College almost 50k a pop. Now if
I'm a lieutenant making almost
50 grand a year total, I don't
Know, you know,
Between me and the federal
Government, maybe I can pull it
Off. She's puerto rican, man.
She's also a girl with no mom. I
Need to do her solid.
I gotcha. You know they... they
Have blow-Job contests in those
Private schools. There was a
Huge article in the new yorker
Magazine about it.
Yeah, I read it, Tom. You
Know, I don't know. Maybe I'm
Hoping my kid has a shot at
Winning one of those.
Holy shit.
How much?
450.
Holy shit. It's only been a
Couple days.
I know, but Tommy put in 50.
Lou put in 50.
I put in 50. How much you put
In?
150.
No way.
Way, bro.
What happened?
I went to have dinner with
Polack dave. You remember polack
Dave.
Yeah. He's a nice guy.
Yeah. Not even polish. Weird,
Huh? Anyway, his wife makes
Dinner, apple pie for dessert.
Strike one. I can't have apple
Pie without having a cigarette.
What?
Yeah. It's a chemical thing.
Yeah, I get that totally. I
Got the same thing, only for me
It's chocolate.
Yeah. No, mine's apple pie.
Oh, and I had another cigarette
When I was having sex with my
Girlfriend.
Yeah, the old cigarette after
Sex.
No, it's more like during.
You know, she was on top and I,
Uh, I couldn't really focus, you
Know, get the job done watching
Her inhale, so I light up, bing
Bang boom, saints go marching
In.
Mmm. You're awfully quiet
Over there, Lou. Nothing to add?
Oh, don't worry. Soon as I
Think of something as equally
Idiotic, I'll chime right in.
Put your, uh, money in the
Can there, uh, smoky?
You're a regular riot, alice.
Tommy bagged Lou crossing a
Street with a big old heater
Goin'.
Oh, busted, Lou. That's 100
Bucks in the kitty.
In the can. 100 bucks in the
Can.
Well, kitty, can, whatever.
Come on, sailor, pony up.
Look, sorry, guys. I'm a
Little light today, all right?
What are you talking about?
You always got a wad of cabbage
On you.
Yeah, well, not today, all
Right? Don't worry. I'll get it
In there.
Well, when?
Well, what, you don't think
I'm good for it?
L... I didn't say that.
I told you I'm gonna put it
In there.
So when? Like by the end of
The day?
You know what? Screw you
Guys, all right? You make your
Own goddamn lunch. I'm done.
Lou...
shut your face. I'm done, you
Bunch of assholes.
> Whoo hoo hoo.
What did I do?
Uh, he's been a little bit on
Edge lately.
I guessed that.
Yeah. The no smoking thing
Isn't helping.
Stop talking about me!
We're not talking about you.
Bullshit.
Aish. You're coming to the
Party, right?
Yes.
Yeah? You gonna bring your
New girl?
Uh...
yeah, we can finally get a
Look at her, you know.
No, no. She's not gonna make
It. She's not gonna be there at
All.
At all.
No, not at all. She, uh, she
Can't, um, she can't come late
To things, so she's just, you
Know, it's, like of all the
People at the party, she's not
Gonna...
great. Great. You bringing
Somebody... somebody less
Complicated hopefully?
Uh, no. I'm banging this
Chick, but I never seen her out
With people. If she eats the way
She gets it on, well, nobody
Needs to see that.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I'm coming, too, by
Myself, and it's the last thing
I'm saying to you assholes.
Still pissed off about that
Kitty bullshit.
You... you mean the can
Bullshit.
What can?
You're pissed off about the
Can bullshit, right?
What can you talking... I
Messed up the can?
OK, forget the can.
All right, you know what?
Screw the kitty. Screw the can.
Whatever. That's all I'm saying
To you guys, all right? From now
On, I'm not here!
All right!
Holy shit.
Jesus. Who you bringing, Tom?
Let's put it this way.
Condoleezza rice, at this stage,
Is using her cock more than I'm
Using mine, all right?
I can't believe what I'm
Hearing here, man. I mean, what
The hell is happening to us?
I know.
Not to me, actually. You
Know, I been banging it out like
A goddamn sledge hammer.
But you, Tommy, come on.
I know.
All right. We got to take
Immediate action. We're gonna
Get you laid, and we're gonna
Get you laid. Matter of fact,
We're gonna get everybody laid.
I say we go on a lotus field
Trip tonight. Who's with me?
I'm in.
I don't know, frank.
You don't know. Jesus Christ,
Probie, what's not to know, OK?
It's lotus. Models, actresses.
Did I mention models?
Mm-Hmm.
Hey, I'm in, but only as a
Wing man.
Team player.
Got a girl. I don't wanna
Mess it up, but I'll go to be a
Team player, you know? Plus,
There's models.
Good man. Tom?
Nah. Changed my mind. Hey,
Lou, you coming?
Already booked us a table.
9:00, assholes.
All right, Jesus, I got to
Talk to somebody, man. It's
Killin' me.
Why? What's goin' on?
Well, you know this girl that
I been seein'?
Yeah.
It's pretty serious, man. I
Think... I think she might be the
One.
No shit. Who is she?
Well, see, that's the
Problem. It's Maggie, Tommy's
Sister.
Get away from me.
What? Why?
I don't know you. I don't
Want to know you. I don't even
Want to know this information,
Sean, 'cause that alone is
Grounds for him to come after me
Once he's done you in.
Oh, come on. You really think
He's gonna be that upset? Come
On, we been friends for like 8
Years.
Seano, years ago, a guy from
24 truck grabbed Maggie's ass at
A Christmas party. Grabbed her
Ass. Long story short, the guy's
Got fake teeth and a dent in his
Forehead now.
Jesus, an actual dent?
Yeah, well, you know, they
Call it a dent. It's actually
More like a giant hole.
Wow. Ow.
Oh, shit, Sean. There must be
5 million broads in this city,
You gotta pick Tommy's sister?
Not to mention she's insane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no. Brother,
I'm not sayin' insane like some
Kind of judgment thing. I'm
Sayin' like the very serious
Mental disorder. She's a total
Wack job.
I know. I know, but that's...
that's like why she's perfect
For me, you know? It's like why
I became a firefighter. I run
Into a burning building, my
Heart's beatin' a mile a minute.
I don't know if I'm gonna get
Out of this alive. That's what
It's like bein' with her. It's
Like she could snap at any
Minute and, like, you know, take
Me out. It's really... she's
Dangerous. I like it. Ha ha. You
Know what? I'm gonna tell Tommy
What's goin' on. I gotta tell
Him.
Yeah? Well, here's your
Chance, champ. Good luck.
Douche bag, hey, next time I
Find your Scott pack in a seat
Where my ass belongs, you're
Gonna find my Scott pack halfway
Up your goddamn colon.
OK, you know what? Maybe
I'll, uh, tell him later.
Yeah.
Seems busy.
All right, all right.
Thanks, baby. Yo, who's
Gettin' this. I thought it was
Lou's round.
Yeah, perfect time for him to
Disappear. I'm tapped, guys.
I got it, boys.
Good man.
There is plenty of talent
Here tonight, boys. You can't
Make it here, you can't make it
Anywhere.
There's a dame that's
Been checkin' us out all night.
Oh, yeah? Where?
At the end of the bar.
Sexy.
Very sexy.
Ah, sure of herself.
Independent.
Yep. With a great rack. I'm
Goin' over.
You know, she looks like my
Mom.
What did you say?
That lady, she reminds me of
My mom.
Shit.
Your mom is that hot?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean,
Hotter really.
Your mom has that kind of
Face? Those lips? That kind of,
Uh, rack?
Yeah, well, uh, my mom's rack
Is a little bigger, actually.
OK, you know what? Where do
You get off mentioning your mom
And the word "rack" in the same
Sentence?
I'm just sayin', my mom,
She's got like a large set of,
You know... she's really in terms
Of the...
enough! Jesus Christ.
What?
God damn it. I was gonna go
Over and talk to that chick. Let
Me qualify that 'cause she's not
A chick. In a room full of self-
Involved, young, titless
Little chicks,
She's a woman, OK? A real woman.
Probably a very, very witty and
Wonderful woman.
With a great rack.
The rack was secondary, OK?
It doesn't matter now, but the
Point being, I can't go over and
Talk to her now.
Well, why? Why not?
Because even if I went over
And talked to her and got her to
Go home with me somehow and got
Her to reveal the aforementioned
Great rack, all I'd be thinkin'
About is your mom's rack and how
Great your mom's rack is. Not
That I've ever thought of your
Mom's rack before, but that's
All I can think of now! Your
Mom's rack!
Whoa, hey, you know what? My
Mom's married, pal, OK?
Jesus.
What?
Forbidden fruit, ball-Face.
You mean like melons?
Yeah, hey. Hey, it's me...
your ex. Because you sounded
Like you didn't know who...
listen, listen, you know my
Father's watch, the Gold watch
That they gave him? I need it.
Well, because it's mine, that's
Why. Yeah, well, look, I realize
That that was the plan, but we
Never had a son, so there's no
One to pass it on to, so I want
It back.
Listen, I'm comin' over in the
Morning, and you're gonna give
It to me, and I don't want any
Bullshit, OK? End of discussion!
Oh, really? Oh, you're goin'
Away for the weekend? Oh, that
Must be nice. It must be nice to
Be able to do that. I want my
Watch!
Jesus Christ, would somebody
Please make a move?
I'm just watchin'.
Yeah, Chief, that's the
Problem. We're all just
Watchin', OK? What the hell's
The probie doin'? 900 pounds of
Fresh ass in here, he's over
There talkin' to some dude.
It's his friend hank. He went
Through the probie school with
Him.
Yeah, well, that's real
Sweet.
Excuse me, guys. Do I know
You? Because I was sitting over
There with my friend, gail...
that's her over there. Hi, gail.
Anyway, I'm sitting over there,
And I'm looking at you, and I'm
Thinking, "I know this guy. I
Know I know him." How do I know
You?
Uh, maybe she's seen you on
The news, Tom.
Mmm! You're a reporter.
No, no. I'm a... I'm a
Firefighter.
Oh, like a real new York city
Firefighter? That's amazing, the
Job that you do.
Yes, uh. Tommy Gavin. Nice to
Meet you. How are ya?
Can I buy you a drink, Tommy
Gavin, firefighter, sir?
Um, no, but I'll do you one
Better. I'll buy you a drink.
OK.
All right, after you.
All right, if I'm not back in an
Hour, forget about me.
It's a total no-Brainer. I
Know a couple of other guys from
Our class. As soon as we become
Regular firefighters, we're all
Transferring to other houses.
Yeah, hank, I don't know. You
Know, the guys in my crew,
They're like my family.
Yeah, but, you don't live
With your family now, do you?
Look, in a couple of months,
You're not gonna be a probie
Anymore, but I guarantee you, if
You stay in your house, no
Matter what you do, no matter
How long you're there, you're
Always gonna be the probie. You
Gotta get out, Mike.
Hey, where the hell did you
Take off to?
Oh, Paris. The best place to
Take a piss this time of night.
Tommy found something?
No, somethin' found him, and
It looks like you have a secret
Admirer.
You ever seen Garrity's mom?
Nope.
Good luck and godspeed.
Wow. Thank God I took the
Time to paddle my balls before I
Left the house. How do I look?
Pretty drunk.
Well, a little more might
Help. Ah! Oof. I'm good.
Hi there. I just, um, thought
I'd, uh, come over and introduce
Myself, you know. Let you know
That it's OK, you know, that I
Kind of get checked out by women
All the time. 'Cause as you may
Know or, you know, may suspect,
I'm, uh, with the FDNY, you
Know? America's heroes, blah
Blah blah blah blah. I'm, uh...
I'm lieutenant ken shea, at your
Service. And you are?
Kenny, just go
Get the guy in the black shirt
For me, all right?
She wants you.
Me? Well, I'm young enough to
Be her... well, hell, there's
Nothin' else goin' on. Garrity,
This doesn't work out, your
Mother's tits are on deck.
That's not funny.
Oh, it's funny.
Uh, no, it's not.
You know, I always thought
The national cheerleading finals
Would be like the most exciting
Night of my life, but here I am
Talking with a real live
Firefighter, and suddenly, I
Can't even remember a single
Cheer. How old are you? You're
Like 45, right? I'm guessing 44
Or 45. I'm really good at
Guessing people's ages. I don't
Know why, but I can just look at
Them, and I'll be right within
Like 2 years. You are, like, 46.
48 tops. Tell me. Wait, wait,
Wait, no, no, wait, wait. You're
46! I knew it! Oh, I was right!
Ha! Oh, my God, you're like the
Same age as my dad. Why does
That turn me on?
You know, my buddy just told
Me you wanted me to come over
And say hello, so that's what
I'm doin'. Hi.
Hi. Yeah.
Nice meetin' you.
So you're intimidated.
What? No.
The thought of being with an
Older woman who knows exactly
What she wants and what she
Gets, and she knows exactly how
To keep it. I mean, that kind of
Scares you a little bit, huh?
You know, I've really gotta
Get back to my buddies.
Aren't you tired of girls? I
Mean, a guy like you, the way
You look, I'm sure they're
Swarming all over you like bees
To a blossom, huh?
Yeah. But you're not really
Happy, are you? I mean, in bed.
Of course, maybe, but
Afterwards, when you go to talk
To them or you see them with
Unclouded eyes, then you realize
They're just made of paper, and
The only sound they really make
Is just the crinkle when you
Ball them up and you toss them
Aside. Don't you think you
Deserve a woman who's made of
More than paper?
Uh...
I have business in milan. I'm
Leaving on Monday, which gives
Us an entire weekend full of
Possibilities, doesn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Be safe.
Think she still uses a rotary
Phone? Joking.
All right, so I gotta get goin'.
That's one extremely hot
Piece of ass you caught there,
My friend. I expect a full
Report.
You got it. So, I'll, uh...
see ya.
Uh, what's wrong, Tom?
She talks a lot.
Oh.
I mean, like a real lot. I
Mean, in the course of the last
Half-Hour, she's said more than
Most people say in a week. I
Actually thought I saw sparks
Comin' off her tongue at one
Point.
Well, you know, she's
Probably just nervous. You know,
Meetin' a firefighter and all.
Right.
Yeah. It'll be fine, man.
All right. See ya.
I like a man who drives a
Truck. I know people say that a
Man's vehicle's connected to the
Way they feel about the size of
Their penis, but I totally don't
Buy that one. But, I mean, I've
Been with guys who are really
Well hung, and they drove these
Little sports cars, and I was
With this guy who drove a hummer
And his penis was like a roll of
Dimes. Maybe there is something
To it. I don't know. It's just
Silliness anyway. I'm sure
You'll totally prove the theory
Wrong, no pressure at all. My
Father's like, "if you want to
Be an actress in new York,
That's all well and good, but
There is no way that my daughter
Is gonna live in some shithole
And starve to death." So he
Found me this apartment, which
Was really nice, but I was like,
"Daddy, there's no way you're
Gonna pay for the whole thing
Because I need to be an
Independent person and
Responsible for myself."
So I pay 300 a month, and he
Pays the other 2,200.
Did you happen to see my floors
When we walked in? I just got
Them redone and there's paint on
Them, and I told them not to. I
Told them it was my new floors,
To put down some, like, paper or
Tape or something, and then it's
There, and I must've told them,
Like a million times. What do I
Do? I mean, I called them and
They wouldn't...
ohh... oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You... this is so good. You are
Really good at this. Uh...
you know, most guys, they get
Down there, and it's like they
Need a map printed out. It's
Like they need it tattooed on
Your inner thigh or something.
It's like, come on. They need,
Like an arrow that says put
Tongue here. Why did you stop?
What's wrong? Oh, you're
Thirsty.
Oh, there's vodka in the freezer
Or beer in the fridge, unless
You want water and then I have
One of those filter thingies on
The tap, which I don't know why
Because all the reports say that
New York has the freshest,
Cleanest drinking water ever.
Ooh, you naughty boy. Tape!
All right, girls, day out
With dad. You can buy whatever
You want. Food, clothes, cds.
Why?
What do you mean, why? 'Cause
I want to do something nice for
My girls. Why?
I want to buy grandpa a
Birthday present.
See? There you go. Your
Sister's in the spirit. Why
Can't you come along for the
Ride?
Well, I don't know. I know
You, maybe. You're either trying
To mess with mom, or you've been
Drinking.
I'm not trying to mess with
Mom. Unbelievable. You can't be
Nice to people without... here.
There's 300 bucks.
Wow.
Yeah. Go buy whatever you
Want. Meet us back here in half
An hour, OK?
Half an hour? I'll only be
Able to try on, like, one thing.
All right, an hour. An hour.
All right?
OK.
Don't be late.
OK. Thanks.
Jeez. Unbelievable. All
Right, kiddo. What do you want?
Ice cream.
Honey, it's like... it's like
14 degrees out.
It's 14 degrees out here, but
In my stomach, it's the 4th of
July.
OK. Ice cream.
Come in. You have company.
No, leave that. You come with
Me. Say hello. Come on. Look
Who's here.
Hi, babe.
Bud, what a nice surprise.
Give me a kiss. Ohh...
least I'm still bud.
Olivia, this is my brother
Bud from arizona.
He lived out there
20 years ago. He's back in the
Area now.
How far do you have to
Come to see me? It's too far.
Look, uh, there's something I
Want to talk to you about. Give
Us a minute, huh?
Sure. Jeannie, make sure you
Show him your art.
Oh, bud, look at what I made.
Aren't they glorious? I made
These.
Wow.
I learned how in one of my
Classes. This is the best school
In the world. The teachers, the
Students, everyone is so nice,
And they seem to like me.
They love you. Everybody
Loves you. Look, jeannie, as
Nice as this place is, I was
Thinking it's a little bit far
Away from home, and, well, I
Have some brochures here. There
Are places just as nice as this,
And look, it has a lake, they
Have a pool, they have aqua
Aerobics. So many activities and
You'd really...
I would die. If you made me
Leave here, I would die. I love
Everyone here, and they love me.
You just said so yourself.
Yeah, but...
don't make me go. Please,
Bud, you...
OK. OK.
Please don't.
OK. All right. We'll work it
Out. Hmm? OK. We'll work it out.
Shit.
All right, kiddo, now what?
I'm still hungry.
You know what? Is your mother
Not feeding you? Is that what's
Going on?
She says I'm having a growth
Spurt.
I guess so.
There's a place on the next
Block. They have fries with
Chili and cheese on them.
Honey...
uncle teddy took me once. I
Want some.
All right. That's gonna sit
Real well after a triple scoop
Of rocky road.
Oh, God, babe. That was
Incredible. What do you got, a
Drink?
You know what they say,
Nothing like a little
Cocktail after a little cock.
Not that your cock is little.
Oh, that's very funny. 'Cause
I was gonna start crying, you
Know. Seriously, what is that?
It's a Manhattan. I'm going
Through a retro phase with my
Booze.
Yeah. My mother used to drink
Those. She used to let me, uh,
Have the cherry. Ooh, can I have
Your cherry?
You know, you really look
Like a retard when you make that
Face.
What? Sorry.
If you knew me, you'd know I
Never put fruit in drinks.
Cherries are for pies, slot
Machines, and virgins. You see
Any of those around here?
No, I sure don't. Come here.
Hey, you make me spill, and
I'll slit your goddamn throat.
All right. Hey, uh, you know
What? Tonight at, uh, at the
Party...
yes.
We gotta be really careful,
You know, I mean, like we
Shouldn't touch each other or
Barely look at each other, you
Know?
Yeah. If Tommy finds out,
He'll shit melons.
Yeah. I mean, but if he did
Find out, it wouldn't be that
Bad, right? It's like he knows
Me, and we're, you know, I mean,
It's not like I'm a stranger.
No, Sean, it makes it worse.
Once I dated this guy, he was a
Friend of Tommy's from high
School, only the guy didn't tell
Tommy he was seeing me. Tommy
Killed him.
He did not.
They found the guy strung up
In his parents' garage.
So that's a... that's a
Suicide, right?
Well, that's what Tommy
Wanted it to look like.
Ohh... yeah. Maybe we should
Be careful
Yeah. No shit.
Yeah. Hey, you want to do
That thing that we did before?
You mean where I smoke and we
Make out?
Yeah, man, I really need it.
Give it to me. All right,
There, buddy.
So how'd you manage this,
Ken?
I was breaking into my
Ex-Wife's to steal a watch that
Belonged to my father so I could
Pawn it to get money.
How'd you really do it?
Broke a glass in the sink.
You know, I really shouldn't
Be doing this.
Why not? You're a doctor.
I'm a veterinarian.
Well, you used to be a real
Doctor.
Watch that. How would you
Like to be sewn up crooked?
Sorry.
So how you doin'?
I was sittin' out in my car,
You know, just bleeding, and I
Thought, why not just let nature
Take its course? It's supposed
To be a peaceful death, isn't
It? Now here I am gettin' fixed
Up by you. For what? I mean, I
Lost every cent I ever had. I
Got nobody in my life. I'm out
Drinkin' every night 'cause I
Don't want to go home to the
Goddamn rat hole that I live in,
So... so why didn't I just stay in
The car?
God, ken, you've got to come
Over more often. You're a hoot.
Oh, God, honey. Yeah, we're
Still on the pizza.
When will it be over?
Well, about five minutes
After we get to the ice cream,
Honey. Hold your head. Yeah,
There you go. Perfect. All
Right. What's that?
Miniskirt I bought.
I hope you paid half price.
Why?
'Cause you only got half a
Goddamn skirt. It's goin' back.
No way.
It's going back.
Why?
I'll tell you why. Because
Easy access. That's why. Every
Boy at school's gonna be
Droppin' his pens and his
Pencils every time he sees you
Walkin' down the hallway. It's
Goin' back.
That's good, sweetheart.
We're all the way to the chili
Cheese fries now. Good job.
Dad, I'm not interested in
Boys.
Yeah, OK, I know that, but
Lesbians pull the same tricks,
OK? It's goin' back.
Ever since I turned my life
Over to the lord Jesus Christ,
My entire outlook on, like...
did you just... what? What did
You say?
I'm a born-Again christian.
Bullshit.
I am.
Not in my house.
It's the hot new thing at
School, OK? All my friends are
Born-Again.
Yeah. Look, I thought the hot
New thing in school was blow-
Jobs.
Blow-Jobs are so last year,
Dad.
Shh!
Catch up.
What's blow-Jobs?
Uh, nothing, honey. It's a
Haircut thing. Don't... don't
Worry about it.
Oh. No ice cream, God damn
It. So what's the deal with
These born-Again people?
Well, it means that I accept
Jesus Christ as my...
I know that part. I'm talkin'
About, you know, when it comes
To... sex.
What?
When it comes to, you know,
Sex.
Oh, um, no sex until
Marriage.
Really?
Mm-Hmm.
Cool. I'm in.
But, wait, don't you want to
Know about...
no, no, I'm good. I'm good.
And one other thing. Um, who's
Your mom datin'?
I can't tell you.
Pretty sure there's a thing
In the bible where Jesus says
That you should honor your
Father and your mother, right?
I think Jesus wants you to tell
Me who your mom's seein'.
Yeah, but if I tell you, I'll
Be dishonoring her, so I really
Can't.
Uh-Huh. What about all the
Stuff I gave you the money to
Buy today?
Dad, when you want
Information, you ask first, then
You offer the bribe. OK, that's
How it works. You did it the
Wrong way around this time.
Duh, yeah, I know. I was
Tryin' to be nice.
Oh, and by the way, you're
Gonna have to give me another
Hundred to keep me from telling
Mom about you getting katy sick.
Dream on. I'm not givin' you
Another dime.
Them I'm calling her right
Now.
Go ahead. See if I care.
, all right! Call yourself a
Christian. Unbelievable.
Yay. Ice cream.
He used to bring us here
When we were kids. Nothing has
Changed. I think it's the same
Wait staff, you know, same
Chairs. See that brown stain? I
Think that's where I dropped
Some ribs when I was, like, 9.
Yeah, it's hideous.
Yeah.
I tried to talk him into
Someplace nice, but you know
Your father. Chinks, chinks,
Chinks. Ooh, not you, the food.
Oh, look at Damian. He hates me.
He so did not want to come here
Today.
Why?
Well, because he wanted to
Invite his teacher, that Ms.
Turbody, and I said no.
What?!
I know, that's weird, right?
That's insane. Retarded.
I mean, I'm glad he likes
Her, but he's like really into
Her. Should I be worried about
It?
Yeah, you should say
Something. That's... that's crazy.
Oh, I gotta go check on the
Cake. You know, they wouldn't
Let us bring our own in. They
Had to make it.
Yeah?
It's probably gonna be a
Gigantic fortune cookie with a
Bunch of sweet and sour gook
Stuffed in it. Oh, not you...
the cake. Yeah. Ahem. They're
Gonna poison us all.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, goody. Princess Janet is
Here. Party can officially
Start.
Hey.
How you doin'?
Pretty good. Janet looks
Great. How you two doin'?
Oh, fantastic. She's, uh, at
Least not goin' the lawyer
Route, so I'll save some money
That way, but she doesn't even
Talk to me anymore, so, I mean,
I have to go through Johnny to
Arrange the kids and everything,
You know?
Yeah.
Maggie looks good, though,
Huh?
Oh, yeah. Real good. She
Looks nice.
Yeah. What's with the probie?
The probie? Oh, yeah. Me and
Mike, basically, I'm doin' a
Little bit of matchmakin'. We
Were at the club last night
Talkin' to these 2 dancer
Chicks. I sealed the deal with
My girl, but probie was like
Totally not into it. And this
Girl basically had a sign on her
Forehead that said, "nail me,"
So, anyway, I promised my chick
That I'd hook 'em up tonight,
Which I did.
And how was your chick?
She's OK. Kind of girl I call
A firecracker. You know, she's
Got like one good bang in her.
That's about it.
What happened to your hand?
You cut yourself shaving? That's
A good one.
I broke a glass in the sink.
Now, listen, 3 of us guys have
Got to stick together, right?
The 3 losers who couldn't get a
Date.
Right.
You're seein' somebody,
Right?
No. Uh-Uh.
You are, right?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, nobody...
nobody here, but I am... I'm
Seeing someone, who's, uh...
she's someplace else tonight. I
Gotta pee.
I think he's dating somebody
Here. You?
I just said I wasn't datin'
Anybody here or anyplace else.
Jesus Christ.
Oh... this is gonna be a lot
More fun than I thought.
Hey.
Club soda?
Club soda. I feel my liver
Twitchin'.
Yeah, well, this is where it
Happens. You know, most people
Who screw up in the program,
This is the kind of thing that
Does it. You can go through all
This trauma, pain, lose a kid,
Stay straight as a goddamn
Arrow. A little innocent family
Get-Together, you know, a little
Birthday party, wham. Simple.
It's, you know, perfect
Combination of accessible booze,
A little repressed hostility.
How do you handle it?
I smoke a Ton of weed.
Asshole.
The birthday boy wants
Everyone to know, dinner is
Served!
Oh, dinner is served. The
Birthday boy...
hey, honey, you ate hardly
Anything at all. Why don't you
Try some of this spicy orange
Chicken?
What'd I do?
It's OK, grandpa. Did I tell
You how much Jesus loves you?
Yeah, a couple of times. Tell
Jesus to lay off, will ya? You
Know, I'm glad he loves me, but
That's how rumors get started.
Here comes the cake!
* happy birth... *
Shut your hole! Now, I'm
Warnin' all of you right now,
Anyone who comes up with that
Happy birthday bullshit, I'm
Dropping my pants, takin' a leak
On this cake, and walkin' the
Hell out of here.
All right, everybody, on 3...
give us some wisdom, dad.
Come on.
All right, seriously. I never
Expected to live this long.
Thought maybe the nazis would
Get me, or the gooks.
Oh, not you. The Japanese.
And we know how that turned
Out. 16 kills...
no maybes.
And here I am. You get older,
You get wiser. And if you're not
A complete moron, you start to
See things the way they really
Are. And I'm seein' the way
Things are goin', this is
Probably the last birthday cake
I'll have my name on.
Hell, I wanted this to be funny.
Let's have cake.
Hear, hear.
Daddy?
My stomach hurts.
Tommy! Tommy! Break it
Up! Break it up!
Hey, knock it off!
Cut it out! Come on, Tommy!
Tom!
Tommy!
Son of a bitch, Tommy,
Cut it out!
On my birthday.
Stop it now!
Come on now, that's enough!
That's enough!
God damn it!
Get off me!
Take it easy.
Tommy! Tom, Tommy!
Tommy!
Hey, hey, Tommy! Hey, Tom!
Hey, Tommy. Get him. Come on.
Calm down.
Come on, Tommy!
Let him go, let him go.
Stop it!
Stop it! Come on, Tommy,
Enough, huh?
[Dead to rights by the twilight
Singers playing]
* there is a rupture
So I can never see you anymore,
Nightmare's believable,
Walkin' in to see
If you've been here,
Not sayin' it's easy, no, no,
To feel it all or not at all,
Somebody said,
Lay down your gun,
And when you lay it down,
You're ready to run,
Situation dire,
It's gone away,
It's not goin' away... *
* if she's your master,
Then get down on your knees
And beg for more,
I'm not sayin' it's easy
To live your life
Like a little whore,
'Cause when you play with fire,
Take your faith,
It's not goin' away,
Situation dire... *